10 years into my first marriage and after I became a living kidney donor for that husband due to his type 1 diabetes, I got the biggest bomb dropped on me. "He didn't ever want to have children". This was new news to me as we had this discussion many times in years prior and we agreed we were just "waiting" until we were both in our 30's and established in our careers. But this time was different. He had changed his mind for good and wasn't going to change it back. I suggested counseling, he denied. I sobbed & pleaded, he just stared blankly at me and continued to tell me "if I wanted them, it would be with you...I just don't want them...ever." So I found myself standing at a great precipitous. Here I was, 33 years old, trying to decide if I should "trick" my husband into having children with me knowing full well, and having him make it completely clear, that he does not want them. Or do I walk away from 10 years of marriage. Walk away from the man whom I donated my kidney so he could stay alive. I carried a lot of resentment and feelings of "I gave everything to someone who in turn was willing to give me nothing". I continued into professional counseling of my own, without him, and my decision became clear. I had to walk away or forever resent this man for selfishly taking one of my most precious dreams away from me, being a mother. His years would be numbered with his disease, leaving me as a future widow wishing I could have my children beside me.
I never wanted divorce to be an option, but felt as if I had no other choice. So, I hired a lawyer. I sat down on the bed with my husband and told him what I wanted, "out". Tears were shed by both of us and he even once stated "I might be able to warm up to the idea of having children", but it was too late for me. I moved into a friend's 2nd bedroom of her apartment for the remainder of the time we were married. We kept things amicable, decided on how to split property and funds while sitting at the kitchen table together, and our divorce made it to the courts within 70 days or so of me filing. No one could believe how quickly it was over, but without children, my state requires only 60 days wait from file to finish. We gave each other a hug on the way out of the courtroom, and I felt saddened, but also like a weight had been lifted.
During this divorce process, I attended a concert with one of my girlfriends and ran into an old junior high/high school friend, Dan. He and I would run into each other randomly at concerts or on my rare "girls night out" at the bar. He was in my bank of facebook friends, but we rarely talked on there...maybe a random "like" of a status or a quick "chat" about if I had any single friends. He truly was just a friend/acquaintance, although about 5 years prior when I ran into him at a St. Patrick's day party, he did tell me that he "used to have a crush on me". So on this night, as he stumbled up to me on the concert grounds, smelling of alcohol, he kissed me on the cheek, told me how beautiful I was and said he wished I wasn't married. Then he and his friend walked away, but said they would be back. I didn't know what to make of his approach. I knew he was drunk, I knew the alcohol was "truth serum" at this point, I was going through a divorce, I've always been attracted to him but never acted on it...what the hell...when he comes back, I'm going to kiss him! Except, he never returned that night. I got a few random drunk text messages during the concert from him & I tried to talk him into moving to the front row with my girlfriend and I, but again, he never showed up. I brushed it off.
The next day, when I got out of work, I had a new text message from him. He asked me to call him so he could apologize for his inappropriate behavior. I did, and he profusely apologized for his inappropriate texts and coming on to a married woman/friend. I told him "things weren't going well" between my husband and myself. He asked if I wanted to get a bite to eat and talk. I hesitated, but took him up on his offer. After dinner, we took a walk, continuing our conversation about my life and failing 10 years of marriage, my counselor helping me through my difficult decision, and about what I wanted in my future. He made me feel comfortable. I still was attracted to him and wanted to kiss him. This was unfamiliar territory, but I kept inching myself closer to him during our conversation. As we both got up to leave, I grabbed the front of his shirt, pulled him toward me, and kissed him. It felt like home. Neither of us knew what to make of it, but I knew I didn't want that feeling to end.
The next day, another text, another phone call. I met up with him while he was working, I had to see him again. As days progressed and my final divorce day approached, I was falling in love again. I had hope for a future with a man who not only loved me, but wanted the same future that I did. I was searching for an apartment or home of my own to move into with my dog when the divorce was final. I couldn't have my dog at my friend's apartment and I already felt like I was imposing. Apartment after apartment, I searched. A few fit the bill (close to work and accepted animals), but what I could now afford was much different to how I was used to living. I never even imagined the next conversation with Dan...he asked me to move in with him when my divorce was final. It felt a bit rushed, but I wanted nothing more than to be with him more often. I discussed it with my counselor and she and I agreed "what the hell". I didn't have many possessions to move as I took more of a financial "buy out" in the divorce than fight over "stuff". So, two days after my divorce, I moved in with Dan...surprising everyone.
Our relationship blossomed and moved quickly. When some people say they knew who they were going to spend the rest of their life with when they first met, I thought they were crazy. But now, I was standing in those exact shoes. Dan was the one I was meant to spend the rest of my life with and he felt the same. Marriage talks were immediately around the corner from my move-in. We knew we would get flack from just about everyone because I was so freshly divorced. This would be a 2nd marriage for both of us and we didn't want the big "ta-da" wedding. The only ones that mattered were the two of us...Vegas it is. We told everyone we just needed a vacation and dropped Christmas cards in the mail with our wedding announcement on our way to the airport. We laughed and shut our cell phones off when we arrived to the hotel, promising to not turn them on until after the wedding. Two months after my divorce, I married the love of my life in an intimate ceremony with only four witnesses (two of which were strangers we met on the Vegas tour bus the night before). One year later, I have no regrets. He still makes my heart race with his kiss, makes me melt with his touch, and I know every bit of my future is meant to be spent with him by my side.
